Y’all. I am spent. And I’m just kinda tired of acting put together.
Between MTD (ministry team development, otherwise known as support raising) and Clif’s mom (Janice) suffering a heart attack, we have been out of town for 29 total days since our first anniversary.
Janice’s arteries aren’t ideal for stents and the cardiac surgeon in Waco wasn’t confident enough about her health to perform surgery. By his recommendation, Janice was transferred from Providence Hospital in Waco to Baylor Medical in Dallas on Saturday July 9th to be assessed by the cardiologists there. After a week of observation and testing, they unanimously voted down open-heart bypass surgery for her. While we’re glad she’s spared the trauma of that surgery, especially considering the mortality rate for that procedure in cases like hers is 10-15%, we are anxious for the unknown. We will know more once she’s able to check out of Baylor Medical and schedule a follow-up appointment with her regular cardiologist in Waco.
I’m waiting to hear back from a job at San Marcos High School that I applied to in the middle of all that. If they don’t call, I am unsure of my next steps for a career. I’ve spent the last year filling out applications, going to counseling bi-weekly, working part-time at Textbook Solutions, and resting after 5 busy years of college and 18 challenging years before that. I’ve also been feeling strong calls to join Clif on staff which, honestly, terrifies and excites me at the same time.
On top of my circumstances, for the past few months, I’ve been wrestling with resentment at all the hardship I was shouldered with from a tiny age. I’ve seen things no child should see. I’ve lived through pitying glances and public embarrassment while simply trying to fit in at church. I made a vow in elementary school that I would never feel sorry for myself. And that got me through. But as my counselor told me yesterday, “Liz… you’re incredibly persistent.” And I wept. Because all along, I just wanted someone to acknowledge that I shouldn’t have been forced to be.
I am so grateful for my story. I am so relieved to be where I am! Sometimes, my sorrow is stronger than my joy. But I’m the most excited about little sneak peeks into my future that refresh my hope and refill my desire to keep fighting this battle that is life. I’m almost to the end of The Two Towers and I empathize with Frodo- a refreshing stop at Henneth Annûn is what Clif and I need right about now (and no, I did not just try to slot Clif as Sam… but it works, I suppose. *shrug*)
- Janice’s heart to heal and to be protected from another heart attack.
- Mike (Clif’s dad) to be given wisdom in all his decisions on behalf of Janice.
- Clif to feel great comfort and peace mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
- Bravery for myself as I make important life decisions and courage to find my voice.
- Clif and I to allow God’s love to bring us closer to Jesus and to one another!